and the wind cries

Dopnt really know how to describe this well, again. Grandpa's funeral was somewhat therapeautic. Realized the only way to live life is to do what makes you happy. Its just finding what that is. I ayed on my back in the desert tonight talking to the wind and moon, and I think I'm supposed to go to vancouver. I really want to just give up and stay a river bum as long as I can acknowledge my own ingorance, but the wind says thats not whats supposed to happen. Maybe I'll live my entire life in debt in search of whats supposed to happen but I dont want to worry about it anymore. I just want to go. Shit with freinds is still weird. Nick and I dont spend much time together beacause of work and shit, same deal with my buddy kelly. Julie and I were fighting again a little but latley dshe has that look in her eye and I'm confused. She's an actress and could be hiding something, but I'm pretty goddamn sure wwe agreed to just be freinds but the look she give sme sometimes counters that and I want to confront her but I'm a tads bit worried. especially because the seasons almost over and her birthdays comeing up and I dont want to fuck things up. She asked me to watch over her on her birthday and I'm willing, but I really just want to get fucking hammered with her. Carrie and I are having trouble as well. I really miss hanging out with her like we used to where we would just binge but she has a boyfreind now and when we binge its hard to focus or remember what the fuck happened and its really awkward. Shana comes home to night and something about the girl repel;s me but at the same time attracts me. I'm blaming it mostly on a 3 week dry spell and not being able to think clearly. I feel like being in page just hinders me alltogether. I am goin to miss my freinds but I cant wait tio get the fuvk out of here either. I think I'm going to talk to julie soon about her behavior if it doesnt change. I hate gueess work. I'd rather just straighten it out and be done with it.*sigh* dont know what the fuck to do any more. Live and let it roll baby. Also will probabaly catch Jack Johnson in Phoenix early august. I'm drunk again , please forgive this entry. Ahhh, fuck. No more regrets.